Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Wish I Had A Mind-Magnifying Glass

I like to look out my blinds and look at the grass move with the transparent wind. How it looks so bright and green with the obvious sun. I like to look at it and reassure it with my smile that someone out there can appreciate its simplicity and beauty, even if it cannot acknowledge my thoughts.  But just like us, human beings, if it is not controlled, it can become untamed, overbearing and unclean. But maybe like us, somehow, some way it’s supposed to be like that. I’m taking a minute to just sit, breathe, look around and absorb. Do I have something to do? Yes, tons actually. Can this count as being unproductive? Yes, too many people would think so. Does this help my sanity? I’m beginning to believe so.
Our thoughts are funny. Some make more sense than others. They can sometimes overlap, be repetitive or just be contradicting. Wish I had a mind-magnifying glass. Wish I could pass by someone and hold the magnifying glass up to their head as they pass… wouldn’t that be something.  Why would I, you ask? Because I care. Because I’m curious. Because it comes from the most complicated thing in the world, the mind.  
I’m going to graduate….no, not tomorrow but in December. I will become part of the University of Florida Alumni.  What will I take with me from this? Well, I can’t tell you. I think only time can tell. I went to Colombia before returning to UF. I felt completely different than I had ever felt when visiting. I realized with my family getting older, there will come a time when I will have no reason to visit and then what? I’ve gone to Colombia every year since I was born. What will happen to my kids? What will happen to my country? Will it all just become memories? The result will be simple. What ever I make of it. It really lies all on me. When I get older and have a salary, will I save and go on my own to a country that has brought so much joy to my soul? Will I save and buy myself pretty things instead? I don’t know, but wouldn’t it be sad if I did. My father, who passed away exactly a year ago, would have liked to think that I was above material things. Wouldn’t we all like to say that we are above all petty things?
Let’s see how this semester goes. Let’s hope I don’t forget my Italian. Let’s believe I did my best here and above else, let’s hope I don’t forget anything I experienced during my college years.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

The Life Phase I Have Entered

It's raining, it's humid and then it's sunny... yes, typical Miami weather. When one sees transparent, water-filled droplets fall at full force on to ones' windshield, it doesn't mean the day is over. It simply means, how long until it stops? Every one in Miami knows that once the rain stops, the sun comes out to play again. The heat is on. And day continues as if nothing happened. One thing we can't get rid of though is the ongoing humidity that plagues this city, day and night Nice hair? Gone in seconds. Fresh, clean skin? No, instead you're left to embrace the sticky feeling that glazes your exposed skin. But you know what? As a traveler, I can say that like Miami, there is no other. And often when I ponder about this, Will Smith's song, "Welcome to Miami," comes to mind. Feel like singing with me?

One night in particular was nice and breezy (every night by the beach is breezy, but assume you're like me, 25 minutes away from South Beach). And this night was a special one. One where I looked up at the sky and my eyes widened with awe.
The month of July--julio--luglio doesn't stand out for other countries. But in the US, it's a big deal. How patriotic we get. And how nice to get a day off work after July 4th. I definitely admired the fireworks this year. Sparkly, glittery, illuminating firecrackers ruining our atmosphere. But nonetheless, beautiful. The World cup has also been going on, pretty exciting. If you've read my other blogs, you've noticed my appreciation for Spain as a country so it is only natural I root for them. Had Colombia been competing I would, like Shakira said, gone for them.
Today, Spain and Germany play.....*nervous* Tough match ahead of us. After watching a few games, I can see why my father had been so excited to watch these players' every move, every play, every team strategy. Their whole life's accomplishments are based on these matches. This is their dream. This is why they have been playing their whole life, to bring their team honor. And when a team loses, you'll hear someone say, "Oh well, it's just a game." And then points to the player that started crying on the field. Not a sore loser, but instead a person who dedicated their every hour to train to be the best he/she could be. I gotta say, these players deserve credit. Now, you the reader may say, well now Caroline what are you trying to say about other sports? And my reply would be to him/her: Other sports aren't as personal to me as this one. My father was a hardcore soccer--futbol--calcio fan. . .
It suddenly dawns on me; I should have watched more matches with him.

Now to the topic at hand, phases. As I have discussed with others. Occurrences during this month have made me think of what I believe are phases humans go through. If you think Psychology, we can talk about Erickson's 8 stages, but lucky for you, I am not. I am talking about simple life phases. For example, when I was a teenager, the future seemed far and not something I would have to worry about "right now." Now I have passed through the beginning of the second (my general term) phase in my life. The one where I believe the future depends on me. This is only the beginning in my opinion because I have accepted responsibillty for my life and the results of it. This where I know that if I get married, buy a house, get pets, kids, adopt, etc. it is because of the path I decided to take. Later in this phase I will recognize that I am on my way to whatever it is I feel is my priority.
Example:If my priority was to sell drugs and I was a drug dealer for x and y reason: Beginning of this phase (now at age 22): I would think okay,.... you need to do this and this and hopefully it results in this, if not you're screwed.... Middle of this phase (later): I would think, okay... i'm on my way to becoming a recognized drug dealer, continue to push forward.

I hope to get the point across without having to create a diagram for visual understanding.
The Now - the acceptance of responsibilty and idea of who you are.
The Later- on the selected path of priority whether it resulted or not, of what your intentions were for your future. If your plan in the beginning of this phase is "I have no effin idea" then later in this phase you will prob still be in the same position because your path has led you to stay this way. I suppose the main idea here is that yes, AGE does play a huge role in our lives and society. No matter how old you "feel", you will see the results of your actions. Age=phase. Whether you want to or not. Of course, this is what I believe. Scientific data has helped to prove what i have said in other ways and more specifically in stages or personality traits throughout people's lives. I give in this blog post a general idea.
Phases, stages.... the inevitable, but things you must definitely self-analyze.

Cheers to growing!

Monday, June 21, 2010

Witnessing Heartbreak

Even watching it from afar... it still looks painful.
Readers, this post was inspired from a friend who I never thought could be anything but refreshing. She awed me with her constant creation of new words, cleanliness, random outbursts, naive feelings and genuine loveliness. Then a man broke her heart. Or her core as she says, not just her heart. This didn't happen yesterday, or a month ago. It's been quite a while and yet it's like watching a dog whose companion, owner has died. It's not comparing a dog to her. It's comparing the restlessness the dog feels knowing of his companion's death, not having the companion around, the droopiness and nostalgia of the dog. The melancholy of it all. It's not exactly depressing in this case, it's more of a question. Where is my friend? Where did she go and when will she back? It's like leaving a voice mail because she doesn't answer my questions. She isolates herself and doesn't know what to do with herself. She feels like she doesn't know who she is and  hates who she's become. If she knows this already, what am I supposed to help her with? But this isn't the question or the topic of the blog post. What is being acknowledged is the aftermath of this tragedy. How can a breakup turn into one's breakdown. Watching a close friend's world being ripped apart and twisted into a frame you don't recognize anymore.
 How do you allow someone to become your everything? Love, she says.
 I don't doubt the word is meant, felt and now the cause of it all, but how did this become so? Love is not supposed to be an addiction or drug with the side effects of a total crash. Love is supposed to be inspiring. Love doesn't take away your identity. Only you can allow that. I still stand by this, let people in but don't let them take over who you are. Be you plus the person you love and creating an unstoppable duo, not becoming one person. They say marriage makes you one person. I disagree.

 SIDENOTE: And why are we now jumping to matrimony, you may ask? I only use it as the utmost act of love and commitment but if you, reader, don't believe in matrimony to be just that then ignore the example and substitute in your belief.

Where were we?..... The duo versus The one. Talking to her has left an impression on me. Every time we talk I learn a bit more of the shattered heart, broken spirit and weak-minded person that guy left in place of my grandiose, peppy and  strong-minded friend. Can a person really do this to someone? Why don't I have an antidote to cure all those people who aren't themselves anymore? The result of heartbreak shouldn't be vengeance or a distaste for love... as a matter of a fact I don't exactly know what it should be, but I do know it shouldn't leave an opposite person in its place. When did we decide that who we were before wasn't good enough? Or decide that person can't face the world alone? I think of it like this friend, it rained on the flower and though it lost a few petals from the hard drops,  the flower then used the rain to grow bigger. I have faith that you will see how wonderful and lucky you are.
To the cheers we will make.

Friday, June 18, 2010

Wouldn't This World Be Better If....

...... if people would self analyze themselves once in a while. Take a month to just notice their patterns, way of thinking and their own strategy of ignoring what they don't like, such as defense mechanisms.  And why they use only a certain type of defense mechanism against past memories, current thoughts and/or possibly the idea of the future.

I feel like this month has passed by so fast... and I just realized something.We use the word "feel" in a sentence in an interesting way sometimes. In this first sentence, I said, "I feel like..." but I did not put in a feeling, I put a thought. A feeling is anger, happiness, depression, etc. A thought is supposed to be used with the word "think." And yet, I'm sure you have used it the way I just did. It's accepted and common... It's just as my Theories of Personality professor,Dr. Crocco, in Rome said, people like to feel rather than think. An example I've said before, "I feel like it's going to rain today." And no one questions me... Is it because I really "feel" it or because I don't want to be held accountable if it doesn't rain? Something to think about.
It's the middle of June and I feel like I'm at a good point in my life. I know who I am,  who I want to be and the kind of people I want to surround myself with. I know what I like about myself and what I think are bad traits....How have I decided or concluded that they are in the bad traits category? Easy. The traits that keep me from advancing that are constantly brought to my attention from others in a negative light or that I notice restrain me, such as a high level of neuroticism. It is one of the five major personality traits (where personality types come from) and among the many characteristics it involves having a high stress constantly because of the way I analyze things and measure them mentally.
If you don't know who you are, how do you expect to self actualize? To be your highest potential? And to understand why you and others react the way they do. So many arguments, frustrations and depressive thoughts could be avoided. In reality... Someone Will Always Be Better Off And  Worse Off Than You.

We are not doomed, we as humans like to believe in hope and maybe that's what has ensured our survival.
It's a good feeling... that feeling of being at peace with oneself. After my study abroad experience, I think I know what I want out of my future and how to accomplish it little by little. I feel at ease with the unknown and for once, I'm embracing it. I don't feel bored or anxious.
And you know what? This summer seems promising. I've already encountered some unexpected occurrences. They have been incredibly welcomed by me and I'm glad they came my way. In August, I not only start my last semester at UF, but I also get to go see my family in Colombia. yay for me.
So reader, do you know who YOU are?


Monday, June 7, 2010

As the 22nd Birthday Approaches

It's no secret birthdays make promises. They promise us to come every year and change our physical appearance as they pass. They don't tell you what you will end up doing when they arrive or if it'll be unforgettable but nevertheless, they do promise to come. I'm turning 22 and it hasn't hit me. Am i saddened? worried? excited? nonchalant? My response: Not sure.

I have friends that look forward to each birthday no matter their age and others who fear the passing year because it will mean they are older. I am reluctant to think of it as either positive or negative. I think I'll embrace it and call it a day. If I embrace it, then shouldn't I plan some kind of event for its arrival? I have yet to think of what to do, who to invite or what kind of event it'll be. Loud, private, grandiose or simple? I do hope I come up with something soon for I only have 8 days left. I remember the days when I could not sleep because the next day was my birthday. My mother would laugh and tell me that it wouldn't be my birthday if I didn't close my eyes so that the sun could rise. I believe the reason my birthdays bring out in me some sort of discussion is simply because my mother made them special for me. Had my mother just given me a card or ice cream maybe and most probably I would not be analyzing this topic. She always had something up her sleeve and made the day feel as if it were Christmas without Santa. I hope to never lose the birthday spirit because making days count should never have to only come from holidays.

Maybe we should create our own special day. Not a birthday, not Christmas, not a religious day, not an anniversary but a day that would make me appreciate being alive. We would all like to say, appreciate every day, make every day count but seriously, who does that? It's like asking for world peace. Sorry, but we all have bad days. And if we loved every day then we would not appreciate the good days because all 365 would be wonderful. Which in turn makes me think of what my perfect day would be.....What would your perfect day be?

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Welcome (back) to Miami, Bienvenido (de nuevo) a Miami

Yes, yes.... I am back to my magical city, Miami. I'm here for the summer until the end of August. Then a quick trip to Colombia in late August to see my beloved family and then to Gainesville for my last semester at UF. What a trip this has been. I'm currently working at DiBari Innovation Design and I have to say, it keeps me busy. Looking back, it feels like a dream. Was I really in Europe? Did I really live in Rome for four months? yes Caro, it really happened. Now that I am back and falling into routine, I catch myself at times chuckling and wondering if I've changed at all. I still daze out while I'm out with friends,  still remain a serious person and still incredibly sarcastic, but I think I appreciate life a lot more. Good for me! So recapping, I went to Barcelona like I mentioned in my last post. The weather was not wonderful to say the least but I caught up with my cousin, who I love and missed very much.Shout-out to Andres Felipe, my cousin who lives in a city far far away  called Barcelona. And yes..... I still prefer Madrid, the city that stole my heart. Since I've been back, I've been in contact with the six girls I lived with in Rome, Thank God because they are worth it. The only surprise is not having the opportunity to hang out with Mariana here in Miami. When in Rome, we hung out day and night. I'll have to figure something out in regards to that. I'll keep you, reader, updated on this 2010 summer. I can say that so far it's been all about getting tanner, working for the company, figuring out how to finish the semester at UF and meeting new people. Really trying  to not sell myself short and finding what's best in life....so far, so good. Or as my good friend loves to say, "We'll cross that bridge when we get there."

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

My favorite city so far: MADRID!!!

I fell in love in Europe, not with a man but with a city called Madrid!!! I went to Madrid the second week in April and I knew I would like it because ... well, it was simply a gut feeling. I got there and let me just tell you, dear reader that I did not want to come back! I actually skipped my flight back and extended my trip three days. I couldn't say goodbye. I think I left a piece of my heart back there. My roommate (a.k.a my right hand) and I, Mariana were figuring out ways of making money there... We were considering teaching English and just staying there...forever. haha. Any way, it was a  glorious city. I'm considering going back some time soon... very soon. When I got there, it's a good sign when the airport is clean, easy to access and BIG! Mariana and I met up with her aunt and uncle who then drove us 20 minutes away from the city to their lovely home. The next few days we were tourists. We went to all the popular locations, ate menu of the day and had sangria in a plaza in the middle of the day, fabulous!
As if the days weren't perfect, nighttime was even better. Madrid is known for going out late. The streets fill up around 2am and then people go out. CRAZY! but GREAT! the transportation is soooo easy to use, no graffiti and sooo clean. I couldn't remember what a clean city looked like until I went to Madrid. The cops are respected. The women can go out at whatever time they please and wear what ever they please without being harassed! the security was impressive and people's manners as well. Amazing to see a young woman walking the streets by herself or on a metro because I'm now used to Rome's aggressive and persistent harassers. It was very nice, refreshing. I enjoyed every minute of it. We went to one of the biggest theaters in Europe, we saw it all. The amount of parks and the way they were set up was also impressive. What a beautiful city.
A combination of old architecture with modern technology, perfect. I said to myself, "I can live here." Seriously, every one belongs there. I was explained the politics behind it all and how people like to pay their taxes because the government is not corrupt or let's say as corrupt as most. People see where their taxes go, unlike Italy people find loop holes each year to avoid paying. This was a nice change. Like I said, "I could live there...." I'm going to Barcelona April 30th. I've been there before, 4 years ago. But this time, my cousin lives there. Can't wait. Stay tuned.... *whispering* I think I'll still prefer Madrid.