Witnessing Heartbreak

Even watching it from afar... it still looks painful.
Readers, this post was inspired from a friend who I never thought could be anything but refreshing. She awed me with her constant creation of new words, cleanliness, random outbursts, naive feelings and genuine loveliness. Then a man broke her heart. Or her core as she says, not just her heart. This didn't happen yesterday, or a month ago. It's been quite a while and yet it's like watching a dog whose companion, owner has died. It's not comparing a dog to her. It's comparing the restlessness the dog feels knowing of his companion's death, not having the companion around, the droopiness and nostalgia of the dog. The melancholy of it all. It's not exactly depressing in this case, it's more of a question. Where is my friend? Where did she go and when will she back? It's like leaving a voice mail because she doesn't answer my questions. She isolates herself and doesn't know what to do with herself. She feels like she doesn't know who she is and  hates who she's become. If she knows this already, what am I supposed to help her with? But this isn't the question or the topic of the blog post. What is being acknowledged is the aftermath of this tragedy. How can a breakup turn into one's breakdown. Watching a close friend's world being ripped apart and twisted into a frame you don't recognize anymore.
 How do you allow someone to become your everything? Love, she says.
 I don't doubt the word is meant, felt and now the cause of it all, but how did this become so? Love is not supposed to be an addiction or drug with the side effects of a total crash. Love is supposed to be inspiring. Love doesn't take away your identity. Only you can allow that. I still stand by this, let people in but don't let them take over who you are. Be you plus the person you love and creating an unstoppable duo, not becoming one person. They say marriage makes you one person. I disagree.

 SIDENOTE: And why are we now jumping to matrimony, you may ask? I only use it as the utmost act of love and commitment but if you, reader, don't believe in matrimony to be just that then ignore the example and substitute in your belief.

Where were we?..... The duo versus The one. Talking to her has left an impression on me. Every time we talk I learn a bit more of the shattered heart, broken spirit and weak-minded person that guy left in place of my grandiose, peppy and  strong-minded friend. Can a person really do this to someone? Why don't I have an antidote to cure all those people who aren't themselves anymore? The result of heartbreak shouldn't be vengeance or a distaste for love... as a matter of a fact I don't exactly know what it should be, but I do know it shouldn't leave an opposite person in its place. When did we decide that who we were before wasn't good enough? Or decide that person can't face the world alone? I think of it like this friend, it rained on the flower and though it lost a few petals from the hard drops,  the flower then used the rain to grow bigger. I have faith that you will see how wonderful and lucky you are.
To the cheers we will make.

Wouldn't This World Be Better If....

...... if people would self analyze themselves once in a while. Take a month to just notice their patterns, way of thinking and their own strategy of ignoring what they don't like, such as defense mechanisms.  And why they use only a certain type of defense mechanism against past memories, current thoughts and/or possibly the idea of the future.

I feel like this month has passed by so fast... and I just realized something.We use the word "feel" in a sentence in an interesting way sometimes. In this first sentence, I said, "I feel like..." but I did not put in a feeling, I put a thought. A feeling is anger, happiness, depression, etc. A thought is supposed to be used with the word "think." And yet, I'm sure you have used it the way I just did. It's accepted and common... It's just as my Theories of Personality professor,Dr. Crocco, in Rome said, people like to feel rather than think. An example I've said before, "I feel like it's going to rain today." And no one questions me... Is it because I really "feel" it or because I don't want to be held accountable if it doesn't rain? Something to think about.

It's the middle of June and I feel like I'm at a good point in my life. I know who I am,  who I want to be and the kind of people I want to surround myself with. I know what I like about myself and what I think are bad traits....How have I decided or concluded that they are in the bad traits category? Easy. The traits that keep me from advancing that are constantly brought to my attention from others in a negative light or that I notice restrain me, such as a high level of neuroticism. It is one of the five major personality traits (where personality types come from) and among the many characteristics it involves having a high stress constantly because of the way I analyze things and measure them mentally.
If you don't know who you are, how do you expect to self actualize? To be your highest potential? And to understand why you and others react the way they do. So many arguments, frustrations and depressive thoughts could be avoided. In reality... Someone Will Always Be Better Off And  Worse Off Than You.

We are not doomed, we as humans like to believe in hope and maybe that's what has ensured our survival.
It's a good feeling... that feeling of being at peace with oneself. After my study abroad experience, I think I know what I want out of my future and how to accomplish it little by little. I feel at ease with the unknown and for once, I'm embracing it. I don't feel bored or anxious.
And you know what? This summer seems promising. I've already encountered some unexpected occurrences. They have been incredibly welcomed by me and I'm glad they came my way. In August, I not only start my last semester at UF, but I also get to go see my family in Colombia. yay for me.
So reader, do you know who YOU are?

Cheers!

As the 22nd Birthday Approaches

It's no secret birthdays make promises. They promise us to come every year and change our physical appearance as they pass. They don't tell you what you will end up doing when they arrive or if it'll be unforgettable but nevertheless, they do promise to come. I'm turning 22 and it hasn't hit me. Am i saddened? worried? excited? nonchalant? My response: Not sure.

I have friends that look forward to each birthday no matter their age and others who fear the passing year because it will mean they are older. I am reluctant to think of it as either positive or negative. I think I'll embrace it and call it a day. If I embrace it, then shouldn't I plan some kind of event for its arrival? I have yet to think of what to do, who to invite or what kind of event it'll be. Loud, private, grandiose or simple? I do hope I come up with something soon for I only have 8 days left. I remember the days when I could not sleep because the next day was my birthday. My mother would laugh and tell me that it wouldn't be my birthday if I didn't close my eyes so that the sun could rise. I believe the reason my birthdays bring out in me some sort of discussion is simply because my mother made them special for me. Had my mother just given me a card or ice cream maybe and most probably I would not be analyzing this topic. She always had something up her sleeve and made the day feel as if it were Christmas without Santa. I hope to never lose the birthday spirit because making days count should never have to only come from holidays.

Maybe we should create our own special day. Not a birthday, not Christmas, not a religious day, not an anniversary but a day that would make me appreciate being alive. We would all like to say, appreciate every day, make every day count but seriously, who does that? It's like asking for world peace. Sorry, but we all have bad days. And if we loved every day then we would not appreciate the good days because all 365 would be wonderful. Which in turn makes me think of what my perfect day would be.....What would your perfect day be?